Doubt

**NOTE: I am not editing or using proper punctuation on purpose, just posting my trains of thought as unedited as possible, I find when I edit things make less sense. **


i don't think i will ever really be over you. ok with looking at new pictures of you, of you happy and moved on. to think you don't ever think of me with a bit of sadness. that you don't think about our years together, all the experiences we shared, the things we saw together, the new things we tried. and what about all those bits of life we had each always done on our own or with our families or old friends and then we did together, simple things, sunday suppers, going to the movies, playing in the snow.

why does it bother me so much that you might be happy now? am i so unhappy that i can't just let it go. it's not that i haven't been happy since we parted ways but i don't know that i'll ever feel the same version of happy again. I think it's completely possible that the way i felt was partially put on and slightly delusional, whhen i look back i'm able to see your shortcomings, the things i deserved from you yet you could never give me. i just wonder if i'll do that again, if i'll find someone willing to pretend like you did, for as long as you did, will i convince myself all over again that i'm happy and we're meant to be. will i ever really find that person that lets me know they love me without my having to ask. that doesn't leave me feeling like i do all the work. someone who can make me feel good when i'm thinking about it and when i'm not, someone who doesn't leave me wondering when they leave if they'll come back and have changed, have decided they love someone else.

is it me? am i too insecure to be loved? am i too afraid of feeling happy that i will always feel doubt, just or not? i really hope i will someday feel that way without having to do it all myself, that it will just be obvious that he think about me during the day, that thoughts of me make him smile or butterflies dance in his stomach. do other people have these troubles, do other people think about it as many times a day as i do, do other people hear a little voice saying what if it's over, what if he's moved on, each time they think about the last conversation we had, the last kiss we shared. is this something medications can fix, that therapy will cure me of, will i always be so insecure about myself that i can't ever truly convince myself everything is okay.

i guess this is what a worrier thinks, i suppose this is what you would call someone with self esteem issues, with anxiety, never happy in the now always dwelling on the what ifs and the should Is. I hate anxiety and i hate worrying but i wouldn't like myself if i didn't worry a little, i think sometimes that really thinking about how things are going, if it makes sense, is healthy, make sure to check in sometimes and not just let it all go on without you. but it's balance i lack, balance that makes it healthy and doesn't lead to ulcers.