A change of pace

Working really hard to not let this break my heart. Had to take the dogs on their first separate walks today. Ralph is just slowing down so much that it’s too hard to juggle them on leash and off leash he tends to get left behind. Instead of crying or fighting it, I’m reminding myself to enjoy the different paces. Lexi will help me burn calories and get invigorated by nature, while my walks with Ralph will remind me to slow down and smell the roses… or every smell ever in his case. This way too, neither will feel rushed or tied down, and get some one on one time with mom.

 I still find it so incredibly hard to imagine that my sweet handsome Ralphie, the same rascal who would leave us in his dust on walks on the marsh, where we would have to squint into the distance to make him out between the tufts of hay. Or who would run away from the yard as soon as you turned your head and then keep himself just out of reach as you awkwardly followed him through all the neighbours backyards. I suppose I don’t miss the frustration and anxiety of those times but seeing him so slow is hard. But his nose still works and he has an incredible joie de vivre that I envy!

Written Aug 2014 -

People always insist on calling me crazy or insane, so why can't i right now, do exactly what insanity is and keep repeating the same thing over and over and keep faith that i might very well get a different result.

Very rarely am I willing to sacrifice anything that might lead to my feeling uncomfortable, but for some reason when it comes to love/ relationships, or mainly I think, the feelings of others, I let myself be compromised. Even when I knew for some time, things just really weren't going to change no matter how many times we discussed it, no matter how many times i cried, it was just never going to be what i wanted or needed.. Honestly too, maybe i didn't let it be enough, maybe i just wanted to get away from it, not even let myself compromise even thought i knew that was the nicest thing to do. i think i just know myself far too fucking well to try to play tricks on my self and let myself believe everything is ok and i'm happy. I've written this before but maybe i'm not meant to be part of a duo, maybe sadly (in society's eyes), i'm just supposed to be me, rescuing pets, focusing on them, their upkeep, their health, focusing on my job, my house, my family, and not seek the same things everyone else says we are supposed to. I've always, always dreamt of being happy like my mom and dad, but maybe my happy is different, i mean, some people love little poodles, i like big huge, snuffly, drooly dogs. That doesn't mean my love, my happy is any less right, or that theirs is any less valuable. Damn! societal strongholds constantly confusing me, making me think i want the same things. I don't, at least it really doesn't seem like i'm meant to enjoy them. Now Dan was pretty awesome, with flaws no doubt, but i didn't want to move past the flaws to see the loyalty and potential of a decent forever, I want to strive for the right thing for me, the right happy. God I sound so fucking cliche but I mean it. I guess it has to do with my fighting depression, not wanting to let sad rule me but knowing i have to always be mindful of it and keep working at happy. maybe that's why i don't let ok work for me, why i just have to have it my way. And oh my god i know I must sound selfish but sometimes, I mean really, who fucking cares , I can care about all the starving babies but if I end up walking off a cliff or driving off the road because i'm so caught up in the sad that is around me and ignoring my own... what good am I to any cause at all.

My mind is getting flabby

I want to feel like I’m being educated. Like I’m actually learning something on a regular basis. I see new things and I try new things but it’s always just another version of the same, or something I don’t get to completely understand, just treat, or assist. I don’t have teachers and I don’t have a real classroom. 10 years ago I went for the social aspect, and because that’s what my family did, I didn’t hate it but god it didn’t feel natural. And now I find myself wanting to be the thoughtful and wise person my dad always asked me to be and I’m surrounded by unused minds.

I almost don’t bother wanting to join a group or seek an outlet because I worry I’ll only be disappointed at the depth… I would love to be in a choir but I don’t want to be stuck singing Christian rock with a group of people trying to prove how groovy and into God they are by singing some hymn with a beat. And I don’t want to be singing with a bunch of old ladies who don’t really bother… I would love to find some young people who just have talent, and have drive to learn something new, to experiment with their voices and make something beautiful, or awkward and different.

I don’t know that I can really say when I last had this kind of conversation, not since I’ve been in NF. Who can I have those conversations with, certain people I might try to  show off, or impose too much, I just want that feeling of sitting on a balcony on a hot summer night as the sun has set and the neighbourhood is hushing, and you toke a joint or sip your beer and in the first hour of meeting you discuss religion and abortion, but you haven’t offended anyone, you haven’t harped on personal experience you’re just talking about stuff. You’re discussing the world and what’s going on without belittling it with your life, your crap.