even though i do have depression and adhd and the anxiety issues that come with them both, i've been able to make a life for myself that is healthy and growing. i had the chance to be educated and to gain experience in the real world that some will never get to glimpse. people give me a chance because i don't look damaged, i don't act crazy, you'd never know i've struggled through bits of my life and felt like i couldn't go on. but even then in my lowest of lows i've always had support, had people, afraid or not, tell me they loved me and wouldn't let me check out. why don't we all have that, who can expect people fragile and alone to act as "normal" as everyone else. it's not fair the stigma attached to mental illness, its not fair they're not given the same chances, that they're shunned and criticized because of mistakes made by the generation before.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Mental Health
what separates us, what makes us so different. parents who cared, who understood, who were willing to work through our weaknesses? what makes me so much better that i can call the people around me who suffer from mental illness "crazies" and leave myself out. i suffer from the same dabilitating flaws they do but i had the resources and the financial security to get treatment. i grew up in an intelligent and well educated family. i was born to parents who planned for me, who were happy when they received the news of my future arrival, who took all the steps necessary to bring me safely into this world. my mother didn't drink while i grew inside her, she didn't smoke she didn't fight, she fed me well and it shows. my father didn't beat her or blow his smoke into her face. he took her to the hospital for check ups and when i tried to come early. because of their education and their knowledge, disaster was avoided when i tried to come 4 months too early, good doctors and incredible nurses got them through it and i'm here full grown and healthy because of it.
even though i do have depression and adhd and the anxiety issues that come with them both, i've been able to make a life for myself that is healthy and growing. i had the chance to be educated and to gain experience in the real world that some will never get to glimpse. people give me a chance because i don't look damaged, i don't act crazy, you'd never know i've struggled through bits of my life and felt like i couldn't go on. but even then in my lowest of lows i've always had support, had people, afraid or not, tell me they loved me and wouldn't let me check out. why don't we all have that, who can expect people fragile and alone to act as "normal" as everyone else. it's not fair the stigma attached to mental illness, its not fair they're not given the same chances, that they're shunned and criticized because of mistakes made by the generation before.
even though i do have depression and adhd and the anxiety issues that come with them both, i've been able to make a life for myself that is healthy and growing. i had the chance to be educated and to gain experience in the real world that some will never get to glimpse. people give me a chance because i don't look damaged, i don't act crazy, you'd never know i've struggled through bits of my life and felt like i couldn't go on. but even then in my lowest of lows i've always had support, had people, afraid or not, tell me they loved me and wouldn't let me check out. why don't we all have that, who can expect people fragile and alone to act as "normal" as everyone else. it's not fair the stigma attached to mental illness, its not fair they're not given the same chances, that they're shunned and criticized because of mistakes made by the generation before.
Animals
most of the time when i talk about my animals being therapy for me it's their unjudging love and their uncapable (not being able to cap) happiness. how they just take it as it comes and nothing is too complex or difficult, they just mosey on their way dealing with life as simply and cheerfully as possible. but sometimes that's not what i need, i'm not just bored and glum, but really feeling down, really feeling like something is missing, like i've done wrong, or just that i'm not well, my back pain is worse than normal, or my stomach isn't getting along with the meal i fed it earlier, and its then that the calm, unobtrusive affection shown by my irma is special. she just comes to me wherever i am, if it's the floor by the toilet or curled up on the couch and she sits with me. she nuzzles me with hernose when i move to her, but otherwise she is simply there to provide support. companionship when it would be too complicated with another human because i would have to put in words what it is i'm feeling, what it is that's wrong, when sometimes all i need is to just sit, sit and decide how i'm feeling and how i'm going to feel and a quiet observer, undemanding like that is exaclty what i need.
it's times like that that i think about the complex powers animals have. i don't doubt that they aren 't "smart" the way we humans are, but maybe they're smarter in a much more valuable way. they don't create trouble for themselves the way we do, they don't worry about the things we make a fuss over, they don't interact with others when they don't want to and when it's forced on them they're honest. their curiosity is never squelched but when they're tired they sleep when they're hungry they eat and when they simply feel like enjoying themselves and being silly, they are. i think humans have a lot to leaern from animals. even ones we call dumb and thoughtless like cows or pigs. i'm not saying a world where humans acted as cats do would be a world that worked but if we could try even the slightest to be as good natured and loving as they can be we would all be better people. if we could trust the way dogs do, despite abuse and neglect we could all be called saints. if we could make decisions as simply and decisively as they do there would be a lot less anxiety and heartache.
i think i've chosen a career that could put me in a place with little human interaction, except those that love animals too is because i really believe that a world with creatures less like us would be one i could be happy with, one that would give me a great sense of peace and comfort.
it's times like that that i think about the complex powers animals have. i don't doubt that they aren 't "smart" the way we humans are, but maybe they're smarter in a much more valuable way. they don't create trouble for themselves the way we do, they don't worry about the things we make a fuss over, they don't interact with others when they don't want to and when it's forced on them they're honest. their curiosity is never squelched but when they're tired they sleep when they're hungry they eat and when they simply feel like enjoying themselves and being silly, they are. i think humans have a lot to leaern from animals. even ones we call dumb and thoughtless like cows or pigs. i'm not saying a world where humans acted as cats do would be a world that worked but if we could try even the slightest to be as good natured and loving as they can be we would all be better people. if we could trust the way dogs do, despite abuse and neglect we could all be called saints. if we could make decisions as simply and decisively as they do there would be a lot less anxiety and heartache.
i think i've chosen a career that could put me in a place with little human interaction, except those that love animals too is because i really believe that a world with creatures less like us would be one i could be happy with, one that would give me a great sense of peace and comfort.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Doubt
**NOTE: I am not editing or using proper punctuation on purpose, just posting my trains of thought as unedited as possible, I find when I edit things make less sense. **
i don't think i will ever really be over you. ok with looking at new pictures of you, of you happy and moved on. to think you don't ever think of me with a bit of sadness. that you don't think about our years together, all the experiences we shared, the things we saw together, the new things we tried. and what about all those bits of life we had each always done on our own or with our families or old friends and then we did together, simple things, sunday suppers, going to the movies, playing in the snow.
why does it bother me so much that you might be happy now? am i so unhappy that i can't just let it go. it's not that i haven't been happy since we parted ways but i don't know that i'll ever feel the same version of happy again. I think it's completely possible that the way i felt was partially put on and slightly delusional, whhen i look back i'm able to see your shortcomings, the things i deserved from you yet you could never give me. i just wonder if i'll do that again, if i'll find someone willing to pretend like you did, for as long as you did, will i convince myself all over again that i'm happy and we're meant to be. will i ever really find that person that lets me know they love me without my having to ask. that doesn't leave me feeling like i do all the work. someone who can make me feel good when i'm thinking about it and when i'm not, someone who doesn't leave me wondering when they leave if they'll come back and have changed, have decided they love someone else.
is it me? am i too insecure to be loved? am i too afraid of feeling happy that i will always feel doubt, just or not? i really hope i will someday feel that way without having to do it all myself, that it will just be obvious that he think about me during the day, that thoughts of me make him smile or butterflies dance in his stomach. do other people have these troubles, do other people think about it as many times a day as i do, do other people hear a little voice saying what if it's over, what if he's moved on, each time they think about the last conversation we had, the last kiss we shared. is this something medications can fix, that therapy will cure me of, will i always be so insecure about myself that i can't ever truly convince myself everything is okay.
i guess this is what a worrier thinks, i suppose this is what you would call someone with self esteem issues, with anxiety, never happy in the now always dwelling on the what ifs and the should Is. I hate anxiety and i hate worrying but i wouldn't like myself if i didn't worry a little, i think sometimes that really thinking about how things are going, if it makes sense, is healthy, make sure to check in sometimes and not just let it all go on without you. but it's balance i lack, balance that makes it healthy and doesn't lead to ulcers.
i don't think i will ever really be over you. ok with looking at new pictures of you, of you happy and moved on. to think you don't ever think of me with a bit of sadness. that you don't think about our years together, all the experiences we shared, the things we saw together, the new things we tried. and what about all those bits of life we had each always done on our own or with our families or old friends and then we did together, simple things, sunday suppers, going to the movies, playing in the snow.
why does it bother me so much that you might be happy now? am i so unhappy that i can't just let it go. it's not that i haven't been happy since we parted ways but i don't know that i'll ever feel the same version of happy again. I think it's completely possible that the way i felt was partially put on and slightly delusional, whhen i look back i'm able to see your shortcomings, the things i deserved from you yet you could never give me. i just wonder if i'll do that again, if i'll find someone willing to pretend like you did, for as long as you did, will i convince myself all over again that i'm happy and we're meant to be. will i ever really find that person that lets me know they love me without my having to ask. that doesn't leave me feeling like i do all the work. someone who can make me feel good when i'm thinking about it and when i'm not, someone who doesn't leave me wondering when they leave if they'll come back and have changed, have decided they love someone else.
is it me? am i too insecure to be loved? am i too afraid of feeling happy that i will always feel doubt, just or not? i really hope i will someday feel that way without having to do it all myself, that it will just be obvious that he think about me during the day, that thoughts of me make him smile or butterflies dance in his stomach. do other people have these troubles, do other people think about it as many times a day as i do, do other people hear a little voice saying what if it's over, what if he's moved on, each time they think about the last conversation we had, the last kiss we shared. is this something medications can fix, that therapy will cure me of, will i always be so insecure about myself that i can't ever truly convince myself everything is okay.
i guess this is what a worrier thinks, i suppose this is what you would call someone with self esteem issues, with anxiety, never happy in the now always dwelling on the what ifs and the should Is. I hate anxiety and i hate worrying but i wouldn't like myself if i didn't worry a little, i think sometimes that really thinking about how things are going, if it makes sense, is healthy, make sure to check in sometimes and not just let it all go on without you. but it's balance i lack, balance that makes it healthy and doesn't lead to ulcers.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Love
Why is it that the majority of us will spend our entire lives searching for love, searching for the one? How do those who have never been in love know that is what they want, what will make them happy. And sure those of us who have been in love know how amazing it can feel, but we all know too how horrible it can make us feel. how crushing and heartr breaking it can be. the sleeepless nights and the tear stained faces and the guilt and the anxiety that it brings. And isn't happiness a relative thing, why can't we focus more on being happy on our own and in our lives, doing what makes us feel complete and fulfilled, why do we have to spend it searc hing for that other someone who will make us feel those things. who says we need someone else to get us to that place, shouldn't we aim to be those things alone first and then seek out others to share it with? shouldn't our drive be to find that which makes thrive and grow and become the best us we can be before we find someone else to do that for us, or with us. wouldn't we all be happoer if we were that way when we found that other person, imagine two complete people together, 2 instead of two halves, sure that makes one but when was 1 better than 2?
and why is it we are looking for the ONE why not the other 2 or the 15, and why does it have to be a lover, why not friendships, physical and emotional separate or combined, simply things that satisfy us. isn't it more realiztic to search for those things separately rather than in one person, who really can satisfy all those things for us. and why are we searching for one thing that does it all, why not leave it open ended, our lives open to change, ebbing and flowing from decent to amazing back to liveable again. why put our all in one thing and take the risk that we could lose it all if somethign goes wrong. love between two is so fragile, it takes so little to damage it, not that it can't be repaired but won't there always be that scar, that reminder of the time it almost came crashing down around us? why not spread our happiness out in case you do fuck up and need to fix it, maybe just throw it out instead of painting over the first mistake. like bulldozing an old house instead of spending years and thousands on trying to fix what already failed once.
maybe i'm grouchy and cynical because i keep seeing it go wrong. but why can't i be. why is it its weird not to be seeking that perfect person, why is he a hermit or she an old maid if they've chosen to be on their own all along. i suppose sometimes it wasn't a choice and that is sad, if they were stuck on the endless and needless quest for the one and in the end feel as though they've failed. but what if they chose to be that way because they, like i, don't see the need for settling down, putting all our egggs in one damn basket, risking losing them all when you can spread them out, hide some in the mattress and the rest in the freezer. taking your chances that nobody will think to look both places, for your deepest secrets and your weakest moments.
don't get me wrong i don't think it's all a waste and i absolutely see the appeal in having someone to share it with but i just don't get why we as a whole think it's so strange to aim to be happy without.
i'll probably never stop looking for someone who can be all the things i need, all wrapped up in one neat little package but for now i'm going to work on reminding myself, i need to be happy alone first before i'll ever really be happy with someone else.
and why is it we are looking for the ONE why not the other 2 or the 15, and why does it have to be a lover, why not friendships, physical and emotional separate or combined, simply things that satisfy us. isn't it more realiztic to search for those things separately rather than in one person, who really can satisfy all those things for us. and why are we searching for one thing that does it all, why not leave it open ended, our lives open to change, ebbing and flowing from decent to amazing back to liveable again. why put our all in one thing and take the risk that we could lose it all if somethign goes wrong. love between two is so fragile, it takes so little to damage it, not that it can't be repaired but won't there always be that scar, that reminder of the time it almost came crashing down around us? why not spread our happiness out in case you do fuck up and need to fix it, maybe just throw it out instead of painting over the first mistake. like bulldozing an old house instead of spending years and thousands on trying to fix what already failed once.
maybe i'm grouchy and cynical because i keep seeing it go wrong. but why can't i be. why is it its weird not to be seeking that perfect person, why is he a hermit or she an old maid if they've chosen to be on their own all along. i suppose sometimes it wasn't a choice and that is sad, if they were stuck on the endless and needless quest for the one and in the end feel as though they've failed. but what if they chose to be that way because they, like i, don't see the need for settling down, putting all our egggs in one damn basket, risking losing them all when you can spread them out, hide some in the mattress and the rest in the freezer. taking your chances that nobody will think to look both places, for your deepest secrets and your weakest moments.
don't get me wrong i don't think it's all a waste and i absolutely see the appeal in having someone to share it with but i just don't get why we as a whole think it's so strange to aim to be happy without.
i'll probably never stop looking for someone who can be all the things i need, all wrapped up in one neat little package but for now i'm going to work on reminding myself, i need to be happy alone first before i'll ever really be happy with someone else.
Friday, February 3, 2012
My life so far...
I may not be the most eloquent of folks but I certainly have plenty to say. I don't know what I'm supposed to write about in a blog but I don't think anyone will be reading this so I'll write whatever occurs to me.
Friends from out of town who you only see once a year, but are able to start off from the same place each time, are special friends. Friends who have known you in all your stages of life, bouncy, goofy tomboy to awkward teen trying to figure out if I'm cool or not and whether that really matters to me, to adult still not sure who or what I am. To have so many in my life, people who have loved me so unconditionally through all of those stages makes me realize how lucky I really am.
We're awfully fortunate that in this day and age we can still remain "close" with people living halfway around the world. Just the other day I spoke with a girlfriend who moved to Israel 2 years ago. Skype made it feel like we were sitting together like we used to, blabbing about whatever came to mind. That we can be so far apart and stay in touch and yet, drift apart from those we live within minutes of confuses and frustrates me. To think I haven't just driven those 10 minutes to visit those friends I say I want to see. That I use the time it would take as an excuse not to go, yet I would drive the same distance or further to get a coffee or a bagel.
I seem to be touching on a wide variety of topics today but I think I'm trying to figure out what I want to talk about and simply trying it out. Maybe after a bit I'll know what it is I want to discuss and debate on my little virtual soapbox but for now that's what I came up with.
Talk to you soon imaginary followers :)
Friends from out of town who you only see once a year, but are able to start off from the same place each time, are special friends. Friends who have known you in all your stages of life, bouncy, goofy tomboy to awkward teen trying to figure out if I'm cool or not and whether that really matters to me, to adult still not sure who or what I am. To have so many in my life, people who have loved me so unconditionally through all of those stages makes me realize how lucky I really am.
We're awfully fortunate that in this day and age we can still remain "close" with people living halfway around the world. Just the other day I spoke with a girlfriend who moved to Israel 2 years ago. Skype made it feel like we were sitting together like we used to, blabbing about whatever came to mind. That we can be so far apart and stay in touch and yet, drift apart from those we live within minutes of confuses and frustrates me. To think I haven't just driven those 10 minutes to visit those friends I say I want to see. That I use the time it would take as an excuse not to go, yet I would drive the same distance or further to get a coffee or a bagel.
I seem to be touching on a wide variety of topics today but I think I'm trying to figure out what I want to talk about and simply trying it out. Maybe after a bit I'll know what it is I want to discuss and debate on my little virtual soapbox but for now that's what I came up with.
Talk to you soon imaginary followers :)
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