Written Aug 2014 -

People always insist on calling me crazy or insane, so why can't i right now, do exactly what insanity is and keep repeating the same thing over and over and keep faith that i might very well get a different result.

Very rarely am I willing to sacrifice anything that might lead to my feeling uncomfortable, but for some reason when it comes to love/ relationships, or mainly I think, the feelings of others, I let myself be compromised. Even when I knew for some time, things just really weren't going to change no matter how many times we discussed it, no matter how many times i cried, it was just never going to be what i wanted or needed.. Honestly too, maybe i didn't let it be enough, maybe i just wanted to get away from it, not even let myself compromise even thought i knew that was the nicest thing to do. i think i just know myself far too fucking well to try to play tricks on my self and let myself believe everything is ok and i'm happy. I've written this before but maybe i'm not meant to be part of a duo, maybe sadly (in society's eyes), i'm just supposed to be me, rescuing pets, focusing on them, their upkeep, their health, focusing on my job, my house, my family, and not seek the same things everyone else says we are supposed to. I've always, always dreamt of being happy like my mom and dad, but maybe my happy is different, i mean, some people love little poodles, i like big huge, snuffly, drooly dogs. That doesn't mean my love, my happy is any less right, or that theirs is any less valuable. Damn! societal strongholds constantly confusing me, making me think i want the same things. I don't, at least it really doesn't seem like i'm meant to enjoy them. Now Dan was pretty awesome, with flaws no doubt, but i didn't want to move past the flaws to see the loyalty and potential of a decent forever, I want to strive for the right thing for me, the right happy. God I sound so fucking cliche but I mean it. I guess it has to do with my fighting depression, not wanting to let sad rule me but knowing i have to always be mindful of it and keep working at happy. maybe that's why i don't let ok work for me, why i just have to have it my way. And oh my god i know I must sound selfish but sometimes, I mean really, who fucking cares , I can care about all the starving babies but if I end up walking off a cliff or driving off the road because i'm so caught up in the sad that is around me and ignoring my own... what good am I to any cause at all.